Not So Jolly

Greetings friends of the internet!

Thanks for stumbling your way to my blog. With the holiday season upon us, I can’t seem to have anything on my mind other than annoyance and grumpy emotions. With that said, I am dedicating an entire post to what’s going on in my mind during this not-so-jolly season, because I know I’m not alone.

Sure, it’s the pandemic and all the other stressors related to 2020 that are weighing in extra hard right now. However, I think there is just a general disconnect during the holidays for some, myself included. There are so many reason as to why some of us dread the holiday season, each valid in their own way. For me, it’s a constant reminder about the estranged relationship with my family. It’s feeling disconnected to everyone, in a sense.

I see my friends and people close time spending time with their families, doing wholesome activities, and just see so much love. Or even now, hearing my friends talk about the zoom plans they’re making with their families and people they love. And although I am so happy for all of them, I am still a human…..a human who gets caught up in her own garbage and lets things like that become a constant reminder for what she doesn’t have and what she hasn’t healed fully from. Someone who lets jealousy take over a little bit. I get bitter and depressed.

I’m not a complete pessimist about the Holidays. There’s a little part of me that tries to find joy, who loves the festive lights and the gift of giving. But they only serve as a mechanism that brings back painful memories and childish behavior. It’s like my brain likes to remind me during this time of year that I’m alone…..alone like it’s a bad thing, when really I don’t mind it.

I think the biggest downfall of not vibing with the Holiday season are the people around me who expect me to be happy because they’re happy…..because “it’s the holidays and everyone is happy during the holidays”. The one’s who get mad at me for not as happy as them. The one’s who are disappointed I’m depressed and in my feels, who think I’m being dramatic.

Memories of trauma aren’t dramatic, they’re real.

And I’m just tired.

Tired of the emotions I get from this time of year. Tired of feeling like there is a little piece of me that is missing and makes me less human and deserving of all the love I see others have. Tired of people I love not understanding me.

Lately I’ve been thinking about what has been pushing me to be more direct with my thoughts and feelings on my blog….thinking about why all of us bloggers find it healing to write to strangers on the internet and to read it. I think it’s about getting all those feelings haunting us out, the thoughts spinning in our head, the things we’re tired of, with the hope that it connects with someone else. the hope we connect with someone else, who feels the way we do when we’re able to depict our words on an electronic page accurately enough for them to understand.

If you’re feeling alone and grumpy this holiday season, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you and will bring the popcorn as we ride it out. It sucks, I won’t sit here and tell you it doesn’t. Even those who love their families, it can still suck and be stressful……but you’re not alone and I think that’s the most important thing for everyone.

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Someone once told me to never stop writing, so I'm not.

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