Today I cried because I got too many text messages about work. It’s not that I don’t love my role, I do and I feel lucky to be in it. At the same time though, sometimes I just need some distance. A break. Better planing skills, perhaps. Maybe I’m just overwhelmed. with the world, myself. who knows?
I think today’s post is going to be a stream of consciousness about the world and what’s going on in my brain. A brain dump, if you will.
I think about the word sorry a lot. Saying sorry, being sorry. Being sorry for even existensiting and taking up space. I’m one of those cronic “I’m sorry” sayers, but I’m working on it.
Working on figuring out why I need to say sorry so much. Wondering if it’s the need for pleasing and seeming perfect for others to receive external validation. Maybe it’s a deep seed of trauma from always being the culprit of drama in my childhood home. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, spilling into each other.
I’ve been thinking a lot about trauma. My trauma, others trauma. How it all is just given to us and it greatly influences who we are. How some of us heal and live a mildly effected life from it, maybe even helping others. How others have no idea or awanress of how they’ve even been traumatized, or how bad.
There’s a level of shame with any trauma. It could be the idea that you could’ve done something different. You must have done something to deserve it. And logically we all know we shouldn’t have shame because it isn’t out fault, but how so many are still bound by it.
I think childhood trauma effects us more, maybe that’s my own perspective playing in. Holding onto a level of shame and not being taught different, reaching for love because you never had it, but not really trusting yourself or others with it….having to teach yourself the difference in all this as an adult is a different game than most are used to, but still far to common.
Shame and sorry go together. The more shame you have, the more reason you have to be sorry. Sometimes sorry for even being sad that you’re still being effected by things that happened so long ago. Sorry your trauma is bringing others down because you’re still being effected. That you feel like you should already be healed from. Sorry for being triggered. Or just sorry for being different and hard to understand.
I get like that sometimes, being sorry for my emotions, for letting them spill out onto others or having others have to witness them. Even though I am fully aware that I can’t always control my emotions, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes not knowing if its your own stuff or if it’s something valid for being sad for. It just kind of keeps that cycle of shame going it seems.
Today I thought about how hard it is to heal from trauma. Any trauma, the things we don’t even know are effecting us…..until we finally sit down and realize what it is that is really bothering us and what causing us to act in a different way or just feel bad. Or maybe you have to revisit trauma so many times to see how it’s still effecting you.
I think I had some realizations today on how things are still effecting me, how I’m reacting in response to it. And it just amazes me that one day I can feel so unaffected from crappy things that have happened to me and how the others it feels like a consistent aching and reminder in my back of my heart and I just can’t shake it off.
I almost said sorry for this getting depressing, but then I remembered that we’re VETOING sorry for tonight. I think it’s an embedded fear that people are going to think I want them to feel bad or sorry, but it’s just expression.
But seriously, this wasn’t meant to get sad. Talking about emotions or deep things don’t always have to be sad or annoying. It just is what it is. An emotional baggage dump of words right now, I supposed.
Maybe some would call it a creative outlet, but I would argue that the words in this post are less than creative.
I keep thinking I should be more creative right now. There’s so much chaos going on in the world, creating and making positive tangiable things seem essential right now for us humans. But knowing how to turn what you feel into something creative is something a lot of us (myself included) haven’t quite figured out.
I don’t know where I am going with this, but I do know I feel emotionally drained and needed to write it out. I want to say I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do. My own unhealed shit, everyone around me has big stuff going on, and the universe just doing some wild stuff. We also opened hips today in yoga class, yay emotions. So here I am, posting it on infinite web in hopes that it clicks for someone else. That’s what we’re all dong here, right?
I do know that I was vegan for 3 and half years and right now I am sitting on my bed with an empty buffalo wild wings container for boneless honey bbq wings. I know, weird times right now. I do know that I could probably start crying again if one more person asks me to do something for them before tomorrow is over. I do know that I am about to take my dog and get an iced coffee at 9pm just so I can stay up later from some “me time”. Maybe figure out how to feel better.
I do know that tomorrow I’ll probably be in a better mood.
Someone once told me to never stop writing, so I’m not.