Greetings to my internet friends,
Today we’re starting a new segment: Things I should probably tell to a therapist, but will tell to strangers online for everyone to see instead. Is this healthy? Feels like it to me. Why? A lot of you are probably asking, why be so vulnerable and open on the world wide web. Well sunshines, therapy is expensive and finding a good and affordable one is even harder. But seriously, I don’t think enough people openly talk about how hard things can be and it gets us stuck in that lonely mentality. So maybe, just maybe, it can be a win win situation for me and someone else.
Last night I thought I had a brilliant idea. This idea was to purchase a digital book (which was also a memoir) on my specific traumas so I could dig a little deeper into the healing process because it’s still effecting me. Ignoring the recommendations from the author (who has experienced all of this) to read this book little by little, I read half of it in one night. Which opened up a lot of emotions last night and today. And that’s kind of what I want to right about, how complex and confusing healing or dealing with big things and emotions can be. A tiny backstory to help you lovely readers follow along. There’s some (okay maybe more than I’m still willing to admit) complex trauma in my past and childhood. I’m not going to go into details on what that all is, because I don’t have to and I’m not there.
Alright, alright wrapping up that intro. Last night after I finally but the book away, I was left so angry and felt hopeless. Not that it was the intention of the author, but angry that people who are supposed to love you and keep you safe can deeply hurt or allow you to get hurt. Hopeless that those people hurt in-response to their hurt and (hopefully) have no idea the damage they’re making on you. Angry that people protect “bad people” out of love. Hopeless because my degree in criminal justice gave me the knowledge that restorative justice is the way to help heal the overall issues and I can’t see myself ever forgiving certain things. Angry that so many people had mostly healthy or at least loving childhoods and don’t have to deal with all the garbage that others do. Hopeless because those same people judge us for not healing fast enough and refusing to accept that it shapes how we act as adults no matter how hard we try for it to not. Angry that people get upset when you share your feelings. Hopeless because I feel like I’ll never really be able to express and have my feelings validated.
It really is kind of a mind f***, excuse me for saying that. I have so many friends who have had mostly healthy childhoods and there is a huge disconnect on how we view the world. I wish I could view the world as safe of a place as they do. I wish I didn’t constantly worry and analyze about if the people I love were mad at me or going to leave because I felt so unloved as a kid that I’m scared I’ll lose all the love I’ve found. My friends don’t see red flags as easily and aren’t always aware of what is going around them at all waking hours and I am. Which makes them believing me when I point it out harder. I am happy people don’t have to do that, that they are happy and loved, but jfc its annoying to be stuck in the opposite.
I know some of you are probably thinking. Well if you just heal. F*** you. I want to punch someone who has ever said that to me, and I am not a big fighter. It’s not that easy, because some peoples trauma is way deeper and more complex than “just heal”. I’ve been trying to do that since I was 18. I don’t know if I’d call it healing, but I will say I’ve always been trying to find justice. How to make things right and do what’s right. I studied criminal justice, psychology, and sociology in college only to realize years later It was a subconusies effort to try and figure out what went wrong in my life and how do I fix it. Only to have a quarter life crisis at 22 and realize it’s not that simple and decide to travel the world alone and realize that the scariest things I’ve still experienced were all in my childhood, the place of innocence.
Now here we are 3 years later and I am still sitting here thinking “it’s not that simple”. Still filled with huge emotions and irrational fears, venting to strangers on the internet with no real intent in my message, other than it’s hard. Being a human is freaking hard. All this venting isn’t to make you depressed on how hard life is or make you give up hope if you’re feeling the same way. Things have improved for me since I was 18 and have significantly improved over the past 3 years. However, there’s still so much further to go and I am mad about it and was fully unaware of how incredibly hard it would all be. We all know growing and healing is hard, but dang it none of you told me how long it would take and how I would feel so far behind in life in correlation to my peers in the same age range…… I’m bitter about that.
Apparently this post was an expression of bitterness based on my life experiences, but that’s okay.
I know it gets better and I know I’ll eventually it’ll get easier and easier until i’m unaffected by it. However, today I just needed to sit with it. Sulk in it. Be mad about it. Share it. If you feel similar the only thing I have to say is you’re not alone in that. It sucks, but you’re not alone and it’ll get better.
And if you can’t relate, please try to be thoughtful in how you interact with every human you meet.