Some days words just don’t come out like they should. I think today is one of those days. I woke up racking my brain over things to say. Things to say in place of how I felt, but it just keeps coming up short. I casually talk about my mental health and how it effects me so often, but I still have days when I forget that whatever is going on inside of me, is just my mental illness and nothing more.
I think today is one of those days. The ones where I can’t really describe what’s going on, but it’s strongly affecting me and my day because I’m struggling to manage it. I know it’s human nature to be emotional, to have different moods on different days. To pick up on others moods or the vibe of the day. Some days it’s just like a certain mood can trigger a deeper version of itself for whatever reason and sometimes even an episode or mood swing. The BPD and bipolar mix really is a fun one some days and I mean that as sarcastically as you read it.
I think I’ve evolved to a point where I am more aware of when my emotions turn into a mood swing or episode. However aware I am tho, it’s still hard to navigate at times. Especially because it feels like I don’t really know “what I really feel” and what is just being exacerbated because of the brain I have. Then there comes the point where I have to stop digging for reasons and start trying to get out of the hole I just dug. And sometimes you just get stuck there.
I don’t like when I get like this. I don’t like myself some days because of my mood. I don’t like how I don’t have an answer for the people around me on why I feel the way I do. How sometimes I just give a dramatic answer followed by being dramatic to just have a reason. Or how I sometimes don’t even know how to describe what’s going on to someone who can’t understand it. How I struggle to over up how big my emotions are. Causing me to unintentionally being the girl who is always going through something. I don’t want to be her somedays, but I have to.
I think anyone who struggles with their mood and emotions has a tendency to demonize their mental health struggles. However, I have a really hard time believing that my brain just works a certain way to make my life and everyones around me more challenging. I like to think that there are good things to come out of it too. Some days those good things are hard to find, but I always circle back to at least it makes me have more empathy for others emotions.
As whiney as it may come off to some people to be talking about my emotions on the internet, I know that it could be just as beneficial to someone struggling with similar issues to read. Also, it’s kind of helps come to terms with what’s going on inside my brain. To write it all out so it’s not just all harbored inside of me eating at my muscles.
I don’t know how the rest of my day will play out. If i’ll find a way to be a functional human. If i’ll find an outlet for all the emotional distress I feel. Or, if it’ll all just work itself out.
I do know that I’ll try. And as annoying as it feels, at least it’s not as hard as it has been in the past.