I’m not sure when my blog posts turned from traveling the world into traveling through my emotions, but welcome to the journey. I’m also not sure if writing out my feelings out on the internet to strangers is brave and helpful. Maybe it’s seen as weak and whiney. Maybe it’s a vulnerable effort to not feel so alone with my emotions in this vast chaotic world. Regardless, I’m doing it.
I’ve been pondering a lot about the things I’ve learned from yoga (practicing, reading, teaching, training, philosophy, etc). I can’t seem to get the Kleshas off my mind. And regardless if you’re a practicing yogi or not, I think there is something about them we can all use and ponder on in our leisure time. The Kleshas are things we do that cause avoidable pain. The “things” are Avidya (ignorance), Asmita (ego), Raga (attachment), Dvesha (aversion), Abhinivesha (fear of death).
If you’re anything like me, you’re probably thinking “wait I don’t do any of this or at least not intentionally” and arguing with yourself that there is no way that you would ever cause more pain for yourself. I think that’s why they get stuck in my head a lot. I’m always trying to make a connection to my current pain to see if I can avoid it in the future, but then isn’t that just aversion to pain? I don’t actually know.
Lately I’ve been feeling confused and emotional, kind of like everyone knows something that I don’t. I think that’s linked to my ego, thinking I should know everything, ignorance and avoidance in why I am actually confused and emotional. Choosing to play dumb and not dig deep into it, but give a quick reason to my feelings. I think a lot of people do that, especially with brains like mine(bpd/mental health struggles). We like to put a story as to why we feel some type of way, a “prettier” or more “dramatic” one than what it really is. But sometimes I just feel sad and emotional and there is no story to it. Or maybe there is a story and it has nothing to do with me, I’m just simply picking up on what someone around us is feeling and making it out own (look at that, my ego).
I’ve also been taking a look at everything and everyone in my life. Everyones world has been flipped around, a lot more people are alone more than they’ve ever been. While I, on the opposite end, have more human interaction and company than I’ve possibly ever had (or at least had and enjoyed). When I was in yoga teacher training and spent time figuring out some of the things I was attached to, I think I took a little too much pride in saying “nah I don’t have a lot of attachments”. Because clearly, on the outside it looks like I didn’t; wondering around and traveling, quitting jobs, never seeing any of my close friends because we live in different states. But I think I was just avoiding attachments (I know, these things just all tangle together don’t they?). Here I am now with more people and things in my life that I enjoy and care about, only to realize I don’t really want to lose any of it because I do enjoy it. I start realizing how subtle changes in energy or “norms” emotionally effect me when usually they don’t, because I’m scared those things I love are going to change or go away. Sure, it’s normal, we all do it and have things and people and pets we care about that we don’t want to let go of….. but it would create a lot less emotions if I just let it be or didn’t hold on so tight.
I think that’s the work though, figuring out how to not do these things or reverse them. How to not create more chaos and pain in life. It’s been at the forefront of my brain today, how to not cause more emotional pain for myself. It sounds as simple as “well just let your ego and attachments go”, but how to do that looks a lot different in every situation. It’s not really as cut and dry as it may seem (some days it is tho), especially if you have these things built into you and have been doing them for years. I think for me, it’s more of just recognizing what I’m doing when (or shortly after) I’m doing it. It kind of lessen the blow of emotions that comes from it all or helps me realize why I felt awful. Writing it all out and hopefully giving someone else some sort of insight is helpful, it makes me feel like maybe me making the connections helps someone else make their own.
Try to create a little less pain for yourself today. And don’t beat yourself up if you can’t.