That right there is my southern accent slipping out. You can take the girl out of the honkey tonk but not the honkey tonk out of the girl, I guess. If you don’t follow my instagram you may not know that I have ventured off back to my Alabama roots for a few days. In my last post I discussed how my mental health has been taking a turn, and when I mean taking a turn, I mean a turn that’s spiraling down hill. So, I did what any rational human would do, I came “home” to find some stability and clarity. And home for me is just as you guessed it, good ole Alabama. I came to catch up with those in my life who have stayed here and to just re-visit where I’m from in hopes of finding some healing and stability. I don’t say this to cause concern, but I don’t think my mental health has been in this rough of a place in the past year and a half. It’s just as bad, but I feel like I am handling the mental health crisis a lot better than I have in the past. So, kudos to me….progress not perfection.
There has been a lot on my mind and in my heart the past week. Difficult feelings, traveling, visiting my childhood home and hometown, visiting old friends, and being removed from the chaos I felt back in Michigan and emotions I have coming from it. I’ve been struggling to find the words to say how I feel and what’s going on with me…..and I am still not sure I have the right ones. As a reminder, the intention of my blog and postings is always to share my experiences with my mental health and life in hopes it helps me heal, inspired others, helps others relate and find inspiration through it, and to help the people I love understand how my brain works a little better. Why? Well my dear friend, my mental health effects everything in my life. And yes, I do mean everything. Bipolar and borderline personality disorder are two very big and very real disorders and they aren’t really two that should be taken lightly. I stress this because I think sometimes when we love people and know they struggle but haven’t seen how ugly that struggle can be for them, we may unintentionally underplay just how hard what they struggle with can be. So when it does get ugly, we think it’s all their fault, but it really isn’t.
Side note, I think it’s helpful to replace the term borderline personality disorder with emotionally unstable personality disorder as many health professionals and advocates across the world are doing. I personally just think it’s a better synopsis of what the disorder is. Unstable emotions. Not being able/not really knowing how to control their emotions. Having very very thin emotional skin, without any reason. You get the picture. It just paints a more accurate representation of what the illness is.
Alright, now that we got that out of the way…..living with unstable emotions effects every area of my life. my relationships, my work, my day to day routine….everything y’all. I think I could argue it’s why I roam around recklessly and have not-the-best stability in friendships/relationships, work, and just normal stability in life. I’m very open with my struggle and try to make sure everyone who is close to me is aware of the extent that these effect me, because even though I am trying my best, they can still get rough and difficult to get through. The thing is, I’m starting to see that many people who “watch” my life or know me think I chose those things….. choose to be overly emotional. Choose to be insecure and let my fears effect every aspect of the life. I wish so deeply that I could show everyone who believes this what it feels like in my soul, my bones, and in my brain so you knew it wasn’t a choice. I guess that’s not how things work though, yeah? When I say my emotions effect everything, I truly mean it. A small comment from someone I love can actually break my heart, send me in a spiral and I couldn’t tell you why. The comment may have even been taken completely out of context by me. I recognize how irrational that sounds to someone with a brain that isn’t like mine. I recognize how irrational it is to feel it when I feel it, but I can’t really change that. The hope is to just get people who understand how your brain works and work with you, but that isn’t always the case I guess.
I want to believe or think that people like me truly do just sub consciously pick up on subtle ques or changes in energy that make us seem irrational. That we’re so intuitive that we do ourselves injustice instead of service until we figure out how to hone in on our gifts. After all, research has suggested that people with bpd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) have an enhancedd emotional recognition skill. Which sounds great, until you realize you have to feel all the emotions that you’re picking up on and know how to interrupt them and what to do with them…..we have no idea, because it’s not something we’re even taught is a gift…..I’m not sure that is a skill I’ll ever learn at this point. Additionally, people around us don’t really want to believe that we can pick up on things, they like to think of us as crazy and irrational….the “it’s all in your head saga”. I don’t think it is all in our head though. Even if the intuitive part of what I believe is wrong. I think we’re just doing our best to put the pieces of what we feel together. It’s so hard for others to understand though. Which additionally makes it hard for us to establish stable and long lasting relationships. Jobs and lives.
I guess that’s what’s happening right now in my life that’s making things so challenging. I’m going through the inevitable pitfall of people recognizing how unstable my emotions truly are. How much validation and patience that is needed to have me in someones life. And they realize, it’s not something they want to keep around and I have to be okay with that…..and it just feels sucky. Especially because I can pick up on it sometimes before the people wanting to leave do.
I know from all the yoga I have emerged myself in that owning our own emotions as our own responsibility is something we should do. I’ve also read in all the yogi books how pain is purification, how we choose what we feel, and how we cause more pain for ourselves. I understand a lot of the yoga philosophy that I read. But relating it back to my brain and understanding it in a way that relates to my personal (more mental and emotional) life is still incredibly hard and something I have failed to do yet….because I don’t really feel like I am choosing any of this I feel. I also don’t feel like I am knowingly creating more pain for myself or that it is even all my own pain. It’s complicated and confusing, honestly.
As I sit here righting this, I am even more confused by it all. My emotions. Why I am in Alabama. Why I am not in still in Michigan. Why I am at odds with people I love the most. Why I feel so deeply hurt and lost when just a month ago I felt the most found and loved than I ever have.
I hope I figure it out. I hope being here and doing all this gives me something that I need. Something to understand myself a little bit better. Something to understand others more efficiently. And something to give me peace and guidance about it all. I’m not sure if that will happen, but a girl can hope.
If anyone reading this can relate or has ever felt something similar. My heart is truly with you, because this garbage if freaking hard. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again….I wouldn’t wish my mental health on my worse enemy. I will say that anyone who has a brain remotely similar to mine and is trying to understand it and not take it out on others….you’re amazing and probably one of the strongest people on this planet. Don’t give up. At least we have each other, yeah? It sounds cheesy, but we all know how true that statement is.
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Someone once told me to never stop writing, so I’m not.