Words are hard sometimes. Being a human is hard sometimes. Having feelings and emotions are hard. Organizing my thoughts and what I want to say is also really hard right now. I don’t know if anyone else has also been feeling like they’re stuck in the muck of human emotions and setbacks lately, but it most certainly isn’t fun. I’ve decided that I will be blaming Mercury in Retrograde for my cruddy mood and situations from the past two weeks. I’m sure it’s more than that, but oh well. Enjoy this nice insight of me trying to discuss the realizations I’ve had from the past week while also very much in a bpd/bipolar episode.
I’m back from my adventure in the south and in a nut-shell I can say that it was a nice visit. It got a little too much yeehaw for me and I was ready to be back, but I do already miss the sunshine. Reconnecting with old friends and people from my life was a nice comfort and reminder of who I used to be. I still love my friends, but being around them reminds me of who I used to be and made me realize how much growth I have done in the past year and a half. It also made me realize how much more room to grow I have. I think that once we get into our adult life and hit a certain age a lot of us start thinking that there’s less and less room to grow, that this is just who we are now, but it’s not and it’s always nice to be reminded of that.
I’ve spent a lot of time driving the past week, which means a lot of time to reflect. I could probably dedicate a post just to the thoughts I have while driving along the highway. The truth is, I would have no idea what those thoughts were, because just like exits off the highway, my thoughts drift away the further I drive. Apart of me feels that’s what roaming around is for me and for so many others, a meditative space to let thoughts come and go without stopping.
If you have’t caught on by now, I’m in the middle of a mood swing/breakdown, really whatever you want to call it, it’s all the same. The past two weeks have felt like hypomanic and bpd chaos and now that I’m back “home” I’m waiting for the depressive downfall. I wouldn’t even say waiting. I would say creating as much movement as I can to avoid the depressive episode that always follows. This is part of the laughter and lightness I mentioned in the beginning of my posts.
I would like to publicly apologize to the DBT group therapist I had two years ago. She forced our group to partake in “play” activities (such as using toys, coloring, drawing, etc.) and it made me so angry. I thought it was the dumbest thing that I was paying for therapy just to be told I should act like a child. Turns out, she wasn’t completely wrong. I’ve found that finding laughter and staying light is what’s helping me right now during a weird mix of emotions and I feel kinda cruddy for not listening two year ago.
Even though I am trying my best to find laughter and lightness, I feel like I’m throwing energetic punches left and right. Like I’m fighting. Not with anyone or anything (that I know of) in particular , but just like anything that hurts me and doesn’t feel right. I want to think it’s just me fighting off a depressive episode or something, but I am not sold on that idea. Because, I could just be hurting and lashing out, yeah?
Being mental ill is a mind f***. Never knowing if what you’re feeling is “rational”. Never knowing what to do with your emotions. Trying to explain it to those around you who can’t compherened and it’s not their fault. Feeling insane, but knowing the emotion has a root. It’s just weird.
I’ve been joking a lot saying that emotions are my least favorite part about being human and that I hope aliens take over soon. That statement is half true….As much as I want to say having emotions is an atrocity, the good ones are usually nice….I like feeling loved and happy. But I guess they’re all a package deal. You can’t have really high highs without really low lows? That makes the most sense anyway. Maybe me telling myself and all of you that is my way of coping.
Anywho, I’m trying. And It’s really not as bad as it could be and I am grateful for that. I’m hoping to throw myself into some creative things for the next few days in hopes of cultivating more laughter and lightness. Maybe get out new content, new inspiration, new vibes…..so if there is anything or any topic you would like to see more of, feel free to leave a comment for some inspo.
Take care of yourself.