It’s late and I’m feeling too much. I thought a blog post would help get it all out so it’s no longer threatening me, but I feel like I run so many risk of un-filtering myself and saying how I truly feel to the world without second guessing if it’s appropriate to share or not.
The risk of promoting mental health issue in a glamorous way, when it’s not. The risk of sharing too much that it ends up hurting others. The risk of people thinking I’m seeking attention, when really I have no other idea how to cope.
I like to call when I get in this state a “mind****”, because it is. You’re feeling so heavy and dark, but also it’s too heavy and dark for anyone else to see. Too much to express to the ones you love. Too much is a statement I hope I never find myself saying to anyone because of their emotions.
I want to say all my problems are repressed trauma that I’ve never really talked about. For why have I never talked about them? to keep the people who made me feel unlovable for most of my life safe? to hold out hope that they would eventually love me, or show it at least. To not trigger someone else or put too much more on their plate. Sometimes I do try to share it though, and it’s like my people don’t want to hear it. I get it though. I probably wouldn’t want to hear it if I hadn’t been through it.
Tonight’s one of those nights. Those nights where your traumas haunt you, where every awful thing you’ve ever felt is sitting in your heart and you feel so hopeless. I feel like this too much. too often for someone who is trying their best to not feel it all anymore. I don’t say that because I want pity or you to feel the same. but I say it for those who also understand what I’m saying to not feel so alone. And for those who never have to reach those dark spaces to understand that it’s real and it’s hard.
I don’t think everyone deals with trauma in the same way. Some humans are so resilient and it’s so beautiful and inspiring. I don’t feel like I’m one of those humans. I try, but the marks on my heart are always there. Sitting in the darkness waiting to show up and demand care at the worst times imaginable. It’s almost like it’s own little cycle that I can’t quite figure out the code to break.
Tonights one of those nights where I’m looking for anyway possible out of feeling it all. Dark thoughts I haven’t had in so long creeping back up. And I feel so disappointed in myself for letting them, but honestly I’m tired of fighting them. (trigger warning <3) That’s the thing about thought’s like that for me, thoughts of self-destruction/self-harm have been in my brain since I was in second grade and somewhere along the way have made a little samskara (imprint) on my brain. It’s like it’s made the programming all whacky and unable to deal with uncomfortable emotions.
Uncomfortable emotions is an interesting way that I described pain. Sometimes my hurt feelings get confused with trauma and It doubles up the pain. But I’m also a borderline and my emotional layer is just like 3rd degree burns and I feel everything just a little more intensely. Is my aura orange? yes. I hate feelings. I hate emotions.
I don’t know if I hate them or if i hate how deeply I feel them. I like feeling loved and connected to people. Until I see all the connections others have that I don’t. I know, a little b**** and pity party for myself, right? But seriously, those of you who have decent family connections, work and friend connections….do you not realize how lucky you are? I can’t remember a family member hugging me or telling me I was loved. I thought that was normal. Until I see how all of my friends and people have so much love from those connections and how helpful they are are for them. Of course I’m going to be bitter that I have to have less, I’m still a human. That doesn’t mean I’m ungrateful for what I do have, fearful of losing it or being replaced, but not ungrateful. I love my people probably a little too much some days.
Support systems and connections was one of the big factors doctors placed on recovery for mental health issues every time I’ve had to be admitted. Also, just in general therapy, it’s discussed so much. The thing is, most of us who struggle with mental health are typically missing connections and strong support systems….but that’s one of the strongest predictions that someone will be successful in living a healthy life with a mental illness.
I didn’t make the rules, I was told them. I think it’s pretty garbage as well. If I have all these issues largely contributed to having a garbage support system, why does that have to be such a big part in recovering or being okay? I’m not sold on it.
No-one ever explained to me how hard it is to connect to people when you’ve experienced certain trauma. How insecure you are when you make connections because something when too wrong at a young age. No one ever explains how you project all your unhealed stuff on people you care about. Not because you want to, but because you’re just so scared and it’s so deeply ingrained in your brain at this point, that it just happens. No one talks about how hard relationships/friendships are for people who are mentally ill. How you want so much to not make the lives harder for those around you, by being too much or fragile, but you are. Then you want to leave because you are too much, but then you don’t want to leave because you want those people to stay because you love them. It’s so complicated and I’ve said it so-so many times in other blog posts, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, not even the ones who hurt me.
I know people have it worse. I know people have made it through worse with flying colors. I would never want to diminish that and make it seem like I’ve had it the worst. I know I haven’t, but the lack of acknowledgment of how hard what I’ve been through has been…..that makes me feel some type of way. The lack of love, the being treated like I should have it all figured out and be healed. The lack of connections when I try so hard to make them and keep them. It’s bumming me out, guys.
I know I’m a practicing yogi. Responsible for my own feelings. I know I’m not supposed to expect things, not to cause myself pain that’s avoidable. To heal. To practice. I’m trying. It’s hard. Hard af. I feel so left out and cold, like I’ve worked harder than so many other people who easily have what I’ve tried my best to get. I want to scream and fight about it. I know, not yogic….but am human who is trying.
Walking the path alone is a term that comes to my brain a lot when I talk about my mental health and trauma. No one else can do it for us and I agree. I feel like I’ve been walking it alone for too long. I feel like some time in company is over due.
I love my people and I would never want them to feel like they’re not doing enough to help me, they are. There are always some disconnects with me tho and that’s really no ones fault I guess. I’m just tired. tired of the ups and downs. tired of the reminders and imprints in my brain. tried of the feeling. tired of the expressing. tired of trying. when does it get worth it?
I don’t know what else to say. I just wanted to get the words and thoughts out so they’re no longer haunting my brain for the night. a breath of calmness as I sit with all the darkness in my heart.
Last night I dreamed of a tsunami, I was walking along the coast of somewhere beautiful, but dark. I noticed the tide going in and out at a weird rate and watched the wave grow. As it was hitting I woke up. I guess with our emotions being connected to water and going with the flow….dreaming of tsunami and then having a night like this makes a little bit of sense. I’ll pick up the pieces that are left in the morning, I guess.
If you’re struggling, please take care of yourself. There are so many free resources if you need help. I know it’s annoying using the free resources or just jumping through all the hoops…. doesn’t feel worth it. But what if it does make a difference and help? even a little bit is better than nothing. If you know how to take care of yourself and you’re still struggling, I feel you. I see you. We’re in this together. keep going.