This isn’t where I thought I would be at almost 26.
It’s easy to say I just didn’t think I would live this long. Which isn’t untrue. But at the very least I thought I would be a few years into a PhD or working on some big project for some big company. Not mentally ill, with loads of student debt and unhealed wounds. I thought there was enough grit in me to keep up with everyone else. And as I say that, I’m not even sure what that means. It kind of sounds a bit silly.
I’ve never been accustomed to doing things like everyone else. I’ve never wanted to. I’ve never really understood all the social structures of life and the hoops we have to jump through to “succeed” and maintain human connections and norms….but yet I find myself distraught that I haven’t accomplished any of those things. When I never truly wanted them anyway.
I think it’s interesting how hard we are on ourselves and other humans to just fit in. To just do the normal things. Act the normal way. When we’re such complex creatures with different needs and passions. And that’s okay. It’s okay if you feel like you don’t fit in, maybe you’re not supposed to. It’s okay if every single one of your peers is doing better than you. It’s okay because we’re human and all of our paths are different. Being compared to some trivial thing that humans made up, silly.
Humans, we’re not that bright. We’re still animals. Animals who show each other their teeth and make a noise to show pleasure – that is literally describing laughter.
I joke a lot about how the human experience makes no sense to me. We made up all these rules and structures and for what? To all become potatoes who think alike and slowly kill the earth? That doesn’t sit with me.
I know those are big thoughts. Especially big thoughts for someone who is just trying to work on being more present. More in the here and now. What even is happening presently for me? I am writing, with my favorite candle burning. The sun is shining through the windows and I can hear my dog snoring. I’m sipping a coffee with an eye mask on trying not to become too whiney on the internet. The present. The here and now, I guess it isn’t that bad.
I’m not too lost. I’m not too broken. It does amaze me the lengths I’ll go to hear someone validate me. When in all reality, nobody knows me like me.
I’m constantly worried that nobody really likes me. I know it isn’t true, but every now and then it feels like pity. I realize that’s a deep-rooted issue, wanting everybody to like me. Maybe it’s one thing in particular or maybe a collection of things piled on top and it’s just a landfill of garbage at this point. But I’m not really sure how to burn it to get rid of it.
I do know it doesn’t really matter at the end of the day. Only if I like me.
The days I do like myself are greater than the days I don’t and I guess that’s enough.
Being a human is so odd.