I’ve had a hard time finding motivation today. I know a part of it is universal, we’re all feeling a little stuck in our feelings lately I think.
I feel for people like me, days like that are just a little more challenging than the norm. I keep contemplating what all these heavy feelings I am having are supposed to mean/how to heal them. Heck, even how to deal with them. And why it feels so much harder on my brain. I know that sounds a lot more like complaining than doing and inspiring, but I guess that’s also apart of the journey.
In the midst of feeling this way. I keep trying to show up for myself. What have I done for myself today/how have I showed up for myself today?
I woke up and went to yoga, even though I woke up crying and wanting to play possum. I was social and did things. I even cleaned out my car and bought a little “treat”/”reward” for doing something (it was a new bowl. I bought a new bowl). I’ve been doing these law of attraction daily empowerment questions, even if it’s mid afternoon. I think they are helpful for brains like mine. I tried to connect. I read and journaled. I even did other adult like things (like getting quotes on health insurance because I’m about to turn 26 and still can’t get it together). And I even ordered an iced coffee at almost 8pm to have a little motivation to do a few more things, including this.
and that is enough for today.
I keep thinking or feeling like I should be doing more. Being more productive.
Trying harder. Making amends. I think that’s apart of the problem for me and others with similar brains. We make it harder on ourselves believing we could be doing more or better…..and maybe we could, but until we focus on the present moment and think about what we could be doing different right now (not differently just in the future) there isn’t much you can do. Sometimes doing nothing is all you can do for a mintue. I hope that makes sense.
It’s easy to fall into a trap of feeling cruddy about yourself for not doing the best, for feeling like you’re too much, or like you’re constantly misunderstood. Easy to fall into a trap of tamas/depression/a low. It’s easy to get caught in believing the odds are stacked against you, especially when there are labels that have been placed on you telling you that. I notice I apologize a lot too, for being mentally ill even though I can’t help it or am doing the best I can with it. I’m trying to not fall into that trap. The trap for everyone is different, for me it can easily spiral into a self sabotaging black hole (aka a bad depressive episode). I’m trying to flip the low I feel so I don’t fall into that trap. And I don’t think I actually will fall into it this time.
Maybe it’s the growth I’ve been needing.
My mind keeps going back to a yoga sutra that I took a deep look at last week and mentioned in a pervious post. The particular sutra talks about a yogis action not being good or bad. The analogy given in the version I have talks about yogis actions being like a knife, you can use a knife for multiple things, to cut up food or to cause harm. You can’t label the knife good or bad, because it’s all about how you use it. (that’s my synopsis on it without physically going back and looking at it). And that’s kind of how I feel about my brain. I go back and forth between labeling it bad or good or some parts of it bad and some parts of it good. When in all reality, it just is what it is. It’s all about learning how to deal with it. Learning what good can come from it. Learning when something about it needs to be flipped and how to flip it.
I promise this ties into me flipping my mood/view….but after ranting about being mentally ill on social media, today one of my internet friends gave me the idea to stop calling my mental illness an illness. Give it a different name or call it something else because it’s just different. I like that idea, because at the end of the day all that I guess is really going on in my brain is that it’s just neurodivergent/neurodiverse. The neuron particles are just moving different than “most typical” human brains and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just a different variation of the human brain in different functions. It’s just different. Just different.
And ironically enough, while working through the bpd journal I have today, one of the new exercises was talking about knowing the different areas of ourselves that our thoughts are coming from – like the different versions of ourselves and our brains. For instance, like what triggers out bpd self/child self/anxious self/emotional self/ whatever it might be for you. Then how do we use other areas of our self to kind of balance it out. (they break it down between emotional self/rational self/and wise self, but explain how more complex it can be for different people) Which is kind of an interesting idea. Especially since as a yogi that’s kind of our whole thing – balance mind, body, and soul.
So, with all of this combined new found information, I’m going to start calling my mental illness by a new name. Something that doesn’t carry as much heaviness or defeat in it. But, gets it’s own little pocket tab and manual on how to navigate it. Maybe even a term my friends can use to get me to see when I am accessing/acting from those parts of myself and trigger me to reflect and try to balance it out myself. I will now be referring to my mental illness struggles as my zebra brain – yes, yes it is because bpd and bipolar is very black and white thinking, thank you for noticing.
I hope it’s enough of a push/change to really help start flipping my energy around.
That’s all I’ve got for today. In what ways are you showing up for yourself in the present moment?