I hope each and every human reading this is having a wonderful day/night/etc. I’ve been really stuck in my feelings lately, scaling my way out of it. I always joke about my emotions being like the ocean and sometimes I have tsunamis……I feel like lately has been a tsunami, but I’m going to gloat about getting through it for a moment. Early tonight I was talking to an old friend, discussing how hard being a human and struggling with our mental health is. My friend unexpectedly told me how proud she was of me, for how of how far I have came on my mental health journey. Y’all…I can’t tell you what that did for me, but I am grateful for her sharing that with me. Because it’s true, even my bad days are nowhere near as bad as they have been in the past. Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded of that. I am much more functional during my big emotions and tsunami like states now, and that’s enough motivation to keep me trying.
This little insight also made me realize that maybe I am being a little hard on myself to get it all together so fast. Maybe I need to be a little gentler and kinder with how I handle my way through this part of the journey. I know how easy it is to get stuck in certain emotions and unresolved things. Things don’t change over night, then it wouldn’t be a journey. I think all humans do this, get a little too hard on themselves.. There’s something about us we want to change and we mentally beat it into us until our brains are like “scr*w you, I’m not fixing it now”. Then it does feel impossible and we do feel like all the awful voices inside our head, but they aren’t actually true.
I’ve came to the conclusion that only we (you) know how hard your life has been, how hard living with yourself can be, why you do the things you do (good and bad)……why make it harder on ourselves? Even if everyone around you is upset, why make it harder on yourself by being mean to yourself? If we want to change something (our health, toxic traits, jobs, etc), it should be from a place of love for ourselves, not hatred for ourselves.
I don’t know about you, but that makes it easier to have hope with that little bit of insight.
I haven’t been doing much different lately. Doing the yoga, trying my best to interact with friends and do all the human things. I can feel myself changing, I can feel things changing. Every year on your birthday, people always joke and say “do you feel older?”. Most people say they don’t. I feel like I always do though. Not actually older but the days and weeks creeping up to my birthday and the few months that follow, I feel the change. I feel the transformation in my communication, in what keeps me motivated. I am reminded of the life I had every year on my birthday for the past 6 years. I realize who’s still here. How I’ve changed so much in just a year. I see the change happening. I feel it all.
Maybe that’s apart of this big mood swing I’ve been in, being sensitive to the change. Maybe even resisting it a bit. You find one sweet spot you enjoy in your 25 years and you think you know a thing or two about what you want out of life. That’s the fun thing about life, we never know. We just keep doing the things and hoping it’s working, another friend helped with that insight yesterday.
I don’t feel like I have enough gratitude for my friends some days. They’re always there pushing me through and giving me little life clues when I can’t seem to move or find motivation for anything. I guess it is true that everyone is your teacher to some degree. I don’t even know if they realize how much they help me sometimes. I hope I do the same for them too.
I did an intuitive tarot card reading the other, just to see what they would have to say about where I am today. The synopsis was I’m lacking direction and need to start planning if I want things to change. I never felt so called out by an object before in my life (unless you count my phone I guess haha). I’m the worst planner on the planet, I think. I can’t plan anything. I find it astounding I’ve made it this far honestly.
I don’t know what to plan that will help with direction. I don’t know my souls purpose, some days the only thing keeping me going is the fight to break the stigma that people with brains like mine can’t live with a true “successful” purpose. Some days that’s enough, but I know deep down it isn’t. I guess that’s one to give some time on.
As for more timely planning and direction, I guess committing to actually using my daily planner will have to do for now.
What do you do to gain direction in your life when it feels out of control?
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