If there is one thing, I’ve learned in my almost 26 years of life it’s that a breakup with a friend or family member can hurt just as bad as a breakup with a partner. Those connections are placed on our heart just as importantly and those lost connects are hard on your heart, regardless of who it is or the situation…. especially hard for those of us with such a sensitive emotional layer (aka BPD). It shouldn’t come as a surprise to most people that those with brains like mine struggle with connections and relationships, our emotions make interpersonal relationships a unique challenge.
I have friends. I have people in my life who I love and who I know love me. However, those people are usually states away, or I hardly ever get to see them because they’re always busy. I’ve had my heart broken due to miscommunication with friends, family, and partners so many times that I don’t know why I am always surprised when it starts to happen again. It’s like my emotions run so high and no matter how hard I try to communicate that with someone and about what’s going on with me, they think I’m crazy and leave. Or it’s the opposite, my human need for connection lets some awful people in and then I have to leave. Sometimes it’s my fault, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I’m replaced with someone new and shiny, with less issues and sometimes I’m the toxic one without even trying. Regardless, it leaves me feeling guarded and lonely. Unable to trust people around me.
Lately, I feel like this is one of the things I’ve been struggling with. My connections and relationships with those around me. I feel so disconnected. A little abandoned and rejected. I know I’m not alone though. Especially with the global pandemic, I know other people have been feeling like this lately too. It’s sad because I feel like all of us are just exhausted and want to be loved, but we’re all just too tired to give it. Does that make sense, or does it make me sound awful?
I’m sure there’s some trauma there that makes things a little bit more challenging for me. I know the fear of abandonment also plays into it greatly. I know we can’t blame the way we were raised on everything we do forever, but I do think it greatly effects who we are and the toxic traits we have. I say that because I called my mother today, in an attempt to just connect with someone and say hey. She asked me why I was calling her and was super snappy. I wish I could say it didn’t bother me, that I knew she was having a bad day. But neither of those are true. It’s a pattern that happens often and makes me feel shitty. Like I’m bound to have a lonely life and be bitter. And maybe that’s why I felt the need to write this post. Some days it feels like If I can’t figure out how to communicate with my own family, what is the hope that I can maintain connection with anyone else on this planet. Maybe I just sound silly.
Regardless, I know I’m not alone and I’m trying. Trying to make an effort to manage my emotions, to not act out, to not be attached to the people I love the most. It’s hard though and I feel alone and hurt. I know comparing isn’t very yogic, but at some point, it just seems unfair. Unfair that the people around me have such great families and connections in their lives that they don’t have to struggle to maintain. Or it’s just easier for some to not have any connections and not worry about. I wish I was one of those humans.
To be a healthy human, we have to have healthy connections with other humans. Maybe that’s one of the things that makes people think those of us with BPD are always acting out for attention. Maybe subcounsiely we are, maybe we feel so alone and in need of human connection that we have to express our pain in some dramatic ways because that’s the only way we can show the people around us what we need. I’ve heard that theory before, and I don’t think it explains everything, but I think there is some truth there.
Be kind to those who are making efforts to combat their own brain. Be kind to those who you think are emotionally manipulating you because they’re always sad and crying, they’re trying. Be kind to people who are hurting and make a connection and hold it tightly when you can.
and don’t give up on those us who are trying so damn hard to not be everything our brain thinks we are.