My emotions will be the death of me, I’m certain.
I feel everything in extremes.
Some say it’s a gift, but some days it feels like a curse.
I can spend months trying to describe it to the ones I love.
Or years trying to gain the same respect as someone who feels a little less.
I’ve cried at work.
I’ve ruined nights with friends because of an impulsive mental breakdown.
I’ve ruined so many good things out of triggered hurt.
I’ve quit jobs and traveled the world in search of ways to soften the feels.
to find ways to just feel a little less.
Everything I’ve found has told me to heal.
I don’t know what that means.
Revisiting trauma constantly?
I bought a salt lamp.
I have a diffuser and sage.
I practice yoga 6 days a week
I meditate daily
I try to express my emotions in a health way
I read every self-help book I can find
I go to therapy when I can
I try, I keep trying.
Some days feel like it’s progressing, like the emotions are more manageable.
Like I’m less impulsive on my intense feelings.
Others, It’s like I’m back at square one.
Trapped in this dark gloomy feeling.
I don’t like being made out to be bad just because my brain doesn’t want to work.
I don’t like being treated like I’m bringing everyone else down just because of unmanageable hurt.
I wish I had something more inspiring to say.
I guess the most inspiring thing today is feeling and acknowledging.
Getting the thoughts all out of me to truly be the observer and studier of my own life.
I keep thinking Ahimsa, non-harming to myself and to the world.
How to be kinder to myself with the ups and downs.
How to hold kindness when it feels like people are throwing rocks at your feelings, at your heart.
It feels like I just carry the rocks, because throwing them back twice as hard will always only make me the worst.
And dropping them to the ground seems like a lesson left to learn.