Hello all of you beautiful rays of sunshine,
I hope everyone is enjoy their day (or evening). I’m casually over here working on giving my blog website a new look so it’s easier for you lovely folks to navigate. Additionally, I’m trying to plan helpful and fun posts for the week so hopefully we all get a little something extra to look forward to.
Friday was my birthday, which means I am officially older and more emotionally mature. Just kidding, I don’t know if that’s how that works. I do feel different though, I always feel different after a birthday – can anyone else relate? Maybe it’s just me. I honestly want to take a moment and say that this was truly the best birthday of my adult life. It was low-key, but all of the love from my friends and my people just made me really grateful for my life and to have them in it. It makes me happy to be alive and happy to have people.
So often with my zebra (bpd and bipolar) brain, I feel like I am self-sabotaging relationships or opportunities. Which, is exactly what it looks like from the outside looking in. Making me feel like my friends just tolerate me and my moods, instead of actually enjoying me. However, I’m starting to wonder if It’s less of sabotaging and more of just a poor attempt at self-care.
Hear me out. I’m really bad with maintaining relationships, my brain makes me think everyone around me hates me (I know that’s not true, but I am mentally ill). It’s easy to feel like I ruin all my friendships because I move or cut ties because someone hurt my feelings. Or knowing when my feelings are hurt over something someone did or if it was just triggered from my past……it is confusing and hard for me. You get the point. After my birthday though, I realized these are the best people I have ever been around and I wouldn’t have them if I hadn’t “ruined” all of the pervious situations that I have been in. I would’ve never gotten to know any of them. How sad would that be?
That’s what I mean when I question if my self-sabotage is a form of self-care. Am I really ruining things that are good for me or is my intuition just so strong that sometimes it is pushing me towards something better, something that aligns more with my soul? Maybe it’s not knowing how to control my emotions or not wanting to be alone that makes the letting go part so hard on me. Maybe that’s a stretch, but I think it’s interesting to ponder.
More on pondering this idea. My mind keeps going back to when I was around 9 years old. I spilt juice on me and was in the worst mood about it. I started crying, got in my bed and turned all my lights off at like 4pm. A few minutes later my dad came barging in my room telling me the car was on and we had to go. I lost my 9 year old sh*t and was like “no. I’m staying home” and it turned into a bit of a yelling match. That’s when we heard an explosion. The car he turned on to warm up had literally exploded in the driveway. No one was hurt, but there was so much damage to the side of the house, the driveway and the car was clearly demolished. There was apparently an issue with a certain model of jeep it was. Anywho…. The point is, if I had not been in such a pissy mood, if I had not let me emotions run the show that afternoon…..me nor my dad would probably be here today. I can’t help but to think I was clearly supposed to be upset and bratty that day.
That’s what I mean when I question if my big self-sabotaging emotions are just deep feelings of intuition that I don’t know how or if I can “calmly” navigate. Maybe I am just looking for a reason to not hate my brain, maybe it’s working. Regardless, I am still going to try to do better on how I handle situations that feel like they could be “self-sabotage”, maybe be a little kinder or more detached in letting whatever it is go. Maybe throw in extra intentional self-care when it happens.
I’m very curious if anyone else has ever had instances like this. Where you thought you were being a brat about your emotions, because you couldn’t quite place why you felt the way you did, but later it ended up saving your life or working out for the best? Let me know in the comments! I want to hear about it.
Also, don’t forget to check back in in a few days to check out the new design of my blog. I also am working on a special post for this weeks hidden gems subscribers, so it you’re not already a part of it, go check it out (:
P.S. I’m doing an instagram live meditation this week, so check out my insta in the side bar….and deff check it out if you’re on the fence about signing up for the hidden gems content.