Changes

Greeting my friends of the internet,

Happy May! Long time, no talk. Maybe you’re wondering why I haven’t posted in almost two weeks or maybe this is your first time to my blog. Either way you’re going to get an explanation. First, I’d like to acknowledge that May is Mental Health and Borderline Personality Disorder awareness month. Which means, I am going to try to post more content specific to those two areas this month. I’m ready to end the stigma around mental health and I hope you are too. Anywho, where have I been? There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. And a lot of emotional reactions to those changes. 2020 was my year of gratitude….. and 5 months into this new year and it feels like the year I have to confront all of my demons and make big life changes. Which feels a little bit scary if I’m being honest, but also empowering.

In my personal life I keep wondering why relationships that mean so much to me keep going sideways. Why there is this big disconnect between me and the people I value the most. It’s easy to say it’s because of me and my brain or others views on my brain being projected, but taking a closer look it’s way more than that. I think sometimes bad things and miscommunication has to happen for real change to take place for the better.

The past few months my mental health has spiraled down to the worst it’s been in over a year. Ups and downs like crazy. Everything feels like a trigger. Realizations from past traumas. All the yoga and my emotions are still hard to cope with. I guess that’s why they say to keep your yoga practices consistent. Surprisingly though, I am handling it better than I have in the past. It doesn’t feel like that though. Somedays it feels like there is no point to keep going if I am always going to have a brain that is okay for awhile and then isn’t. Somedays I feel empowered to talk about it, to educate people I love about how to help, but people have to want to be educated about it. That’s a hard one. I’m also learning that you can’t scream what you need at people and expect them to listen, they have to want to listen and help. I’m learning. It’s challenging though because when you’ve lived in a sate of needing help and not getting it your entire life, screaming feels like what you have to do. Again, learning.

What feels like this never ending spiral has made me feel more in control than I thought I could be. Even those some close to me might have the opposite to say. I mean, they weren’t there at my rock bottom though. Having a year of pretty decent mental health and spending time around mentally healthy people made me realize what it’s like to feel okay. This spiral reminds me what it’s like to not feel okay. The journey and balance to being okay is hard. I forget there are people who have never had a year of decent mental health and have been living in a constant crisis like I was a few years ago. Just stuck there.

Change. Change is what gets us out of those dark places, the thing that gets us unstuck. Fear is what keeps us there. I’m not saying those in dark places aren’t fearful of where they are. I’m saying that you can get used to being in a dark or low place, to the point it’s almost comforting. Comforting because you know what to expect. You know how you’re going to react, etc. Fearful because what if change makes it worse or maybe because you’ve spent your entire life in a low place, you have no idea what a better one looks like.

Change can be scary. Change can be hard. Change can be empowering. It’s also beautiful and fun. I am trying to view it as an adventure. Like how I view changes of scenery when I move or travel. An adventure in which I can at least let go of all of the bad I have been carrying and find something new. Something different.

The biggest change I’ve started is offering virtual yoga classes on here from my bedroom. I know how much yoga helps for everyone. I know how scary it can be to get out of your comfort zone and get to a class. Which is why I have pre-recorded classes listed every week. Teaching it also helps me, it helps me figure out how to turn my own garbage off in my brain (just like practicing yoga) so I can try to actually help others. So if you’re interested in that, don’t be shy to check it out or ask me questions about it.

Wrapping it up now……let’s all change. For the better. Social support is one of the biggest predictors in those with trauma or mental health issues living a healthy life, so feel free to leave comments about anything that comes up for you in a post. There’s no such thing as too much, especially when you’re being honest. I want to change the stigma and stereotypes around mental health and bpd. I want to change this idea that we have to be mentally healthy and emotionally stable to practice and teach yoga. Yoga was designed to control the mind not to be flexible.

Thank you for reading this and I hope you were able to take something about from it. I hope you have an amazing week, friends.

Remember, change isn’t bad.

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Someone once told me to never stop writing, so I'm not. Sharing my soul journey. You can find my yoga teachings and insights on my brain over on my website. therecklessnomad.com

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